I'm not sure if this is exactly relevant, but you've articulated so well something bouncing around in my head lately.
Women in the US seem only allowed to fit into one of three boxes: 1) homemaker (the only pathway for which in our current popular culture is, I guess, to be a totally submissive tradwife?), 2) working mom (aka evil, feminist lean-in girlboss who has abandoned her children to daycare and is the source of all of society's problems) or 3) single cat lady (which might overlap with lean-in girlboss, but is slightly more acceptable only because she isn't traumatizing children in daycare or whatever - but still often seen as selfish). (I'm not saying any of these archetypes are remotely accurate for anyone, just that there seems to be an assumption that everyone fits into one of them perfectly).
I think as a girl we are very often expected to choose one of these, and then once we chose it, we feel like it betrays our original choice. Like to be one of these things we have to reject all of the pieces associated with the other paths we didn't choose. If I invest in homemaking instead of working in capitalism, I'm betraying feminism. If I want to focus on my work in capitalism, I'm betraying my family. If I want to just do what I want to do - and it's in opposition to the path I'm supposed to be on - who even am I?
What if women are allowed to have elements of all three of these, and even more? What if I like some aspects of homemaking, some aspects of working, and sometimes selfishly doing what I want to do? What if I'm not 100% tradwife, 100% girlboss, or 100% cat lady - but I'm also not 0% of any of them? Our culture seems really unable to handle that. And to be fair, our culture seems really unable to handle any sort of person who doesn't neatly fit into a category.
Anyway, I appreciate this article and I am glad I am not alone. I'm 100% starting over after I've realized my life just wasn't working right. Hoping there's a better path out there for all of us.
Yes! I’m also tired of the algorithms trying to separate us into categories. It feels a little like a digital cafeteria table where there’s subtle pressure to conform to a niche. Most of my life is offline (I only write one essay a month for a reason!) and people in the real world are strange and multifaceted and full of paradoxes.
Agree! I'm not any social media but substack, but it's so interesting to see the the substack algorithm try to figure me out. If I start clicking on anything related domestic work / cleaning my house / cooking etc., I immediately start getting a bunch of content about the art of being a housewife and articles arguing that women shouldn't have jobs outside the home (mostly written by women, it seems). If I click on workplace / productivity stuff, all of that stuff disappears and I get a lot of hustle culture productivity guru dudes with quotes about motivation and executing your vision and stuff. It's just so interesting (and disturbing) to me how the algorithm really pushes you into the extreme end immediately of whatever content you're looking at.
Thank you so much for this article. I had a deep feeling of stagnation in my life lately and a lot of procrastination with my creative work and i just realised how much the messiness of my house is overwhelming ( a lot of keepsakes and old things laying around in the house clinging to a distant past). I am moving some matter today !
So glad it connected with you! I’ve absolutely noticed patterns with creative stagnation and feeling overwhelmed by my space. It’s one of those things like exercising that’s so hard to initiate, but immediately makes everything better.
!!! Here I thought I was alone in finding solace in moving furniture around. Also one of my go-to activities when anxiety is on the rise is to do a deep cleaning of the fridge. Thank you for the description of "moving matter" and "making paths".
ooo you might like the cloister walk by kathleen norris! she's like the cool wise aunt who knows about things you'd never know to be interested in. it was published in 1996. I hate most books by christians but this one ... earns its keep. as a real book. and is very folkist I think! actually this is the first article of yours I've read, but she is a poet and becomes an oblate aka an almost-monk
Yes, this! I’m turning 40 this year and the shedding of things also comes with a lot of love for the curious and open younger person who had to say yes to so much in order to learn how to say no.
I'm not sure if this is exactly relevant, but you've articulated so well something bouncing around in my head lately.
Women in the US seem only allowed to fit into one of three boxes: 1) homemaker (the only pathway for which in our current popular culture is, I guess, to be a totally submissive tradwife?), 2) working mom (aka evil, feminist lean-in girlboss who has abandoned her children to daycare and is the source of all of society's problems) or 3) single cat lady (which might overlap with lean-in girlboss, but is slightly more acceptable only because she isn't traumatizing children in daycare or whatever - but still often seen as selfish). (I'm not saying any of these archetypes are remotely accurate for anyone, just that there seems to be an assumption that everyone fits into one of them perfectly).
I think as a girl we are very often expected to choose one of these, and then once we chose it, we feel like it betrays our original choice. Like to be one of these things we have to reject all of the pieces associated with the other paths we didn't choose. If I invest in homemaking instead of working in capitalism, I'm betraying feminism. If I want to focus on my work in capitalism, I'm betraying my family. If I want to just do what I want to do - and it's in opposition to the path I'm supposed to be on - who even am I?
What if women are allowed to have elements of all three of these, and even more? What if I like some aspects of homemaking, some aspects of working, and sometimes selfishly doing what I want to do? What if I'm not 100% tradwife, 100% girlboss, or 100% cat lady - but I'm also not 0% of any of them? Our culture seems really unable to handle that. And to be fair, our culture seems really unable to handle any sort of person who doesn't neatly fit into a category.
Anyway, I appreciate this article and I am glad I am not alone. I'm 100% starting over after I've realized my life just wasn't working right. Hoping there's a better path out there for all of us.
Yes! I’m also tired of the algorithms trying to separate us into categories. It feels a little like a digital cafeteria table where there’s subtle pressure to conform to a niche. Most of my life is offline (I only write one essay a month for a reason!) and people in the real world are strange and multifaceted and full of paradoxes.
Agree! I'm not any social media but substack, but it's so interesting to see the the substack algorithm try to figure me out. If I start clicking on anything related domestic work / cleaning my house / cooking etc., I immediately start getting a bunch of content about the art of being a housewife and articles arguing that women shouldn't have jobs outside the home (mostly written by women, it seems). If I click on workplace / productivity stuff, all of that stuff disappears and I get a lot of hustle culture productivity guru dudes with quotes about motivation and executing your vision and stuff. It's just so interesting (and disturbing) to me how the algorithm really pushes you into the extreme end immediately of whatever content you're looking at.
Thank you so much for this article. I had a deep feeling of stagnation in my life lately and a lot of procrastination with my creative work and i just realised how much the messiness of my house is overwhelming ( a lot of keepsakes and old things laying around in the house clinging to a distant past). I am moving some matter today !
So glad it connected with you! I’ve absolutely noticed patterns with creative stagnation and feeling overwhelmed by my space. It’s one of those things like exercising that’s so hard to initiate, but immediately makes everything better.
!!! Here I thought I was alone in finding solace in moving furniture around. Also one of my go-to activities when anxiety is on the rise is to do a deep cleaning of the fridge. Thank you for the description of "moving matter" and "making paths".
Fantastic piece.
ooo you might like the cloister walk by kathleen norris! she's like the cool wise aunt who knows about things you'd never know to be interested in. it was published in 1996. I hate most books by christians but this one ... earns its keep. as a real book. and is very folkist I think! actually this is the first article of yours I've read, but she is a poet and becomes an oblate aka an almost-monk
Thanks for the recommendation, and how could you tell that I studied with benedictines when I was younger? 😂
Yes, this! I’m turning 40 this year and the shedding of things also comes with a lot of love for the curious and open younger person who had to say yes to so much in order to learn how to say no.